Body Language
by Clubhouse Treats
Summary: After some eye-opening experiences at school, including having to see a graphic video in health class, KG begins to contemplate having sex with Denise. Meanwhile, with senior picture day approaching, Jaylynn is determined to take the perfect photo with Anja's assistance.
1. Body Language Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 8

EPISODE 9

Airdate: December 13, 2019

"Body Language"

Special Guest Stars: Larisa Oleynik as Denise, Meredith Bishop as Danielle

_#TYH810_

SCENE 1

George Meyer High School

Interior Locker Room

Seattle, Washington

_KG, Rodney, and Trevor are changing for gym class._

TREVOR: Hey guys, I have a philosophical question. Who would you rather have sex with, Anna or Elsa?

KG: What?

TREVOR: I mean, it's a headscratcher. There's no wrong answer, they can both get it.

RODNEY: Alright, but how is it philosophical?

TREVOR: It brings up a question that's on everyone's mind: Would you be willing to do it with a cartoon character?

KG: I...guess I would have sex with Anna.

TREVOR: Classic KG, I like it. How about you, Rodney?

RODNEY: Wait, which one is which? I've never seen _Frozen_, it looked like a chick flick.

KG: Anna's the brunette, and Elsa is...

RODNEY: Alright, I got it. I'll take Elsa, she looks like she's into everything. Anna looks like the type to do missionary twice a month and nothing else.

KG: Hey, Anna might be a freak down low and you won't even know because you didn't give her a chance.

TREVOR: See, I knew this was a great question.

RODNEY: So what about you, Trev?

TREVOR: Oh, I would make both of them think I'm interested, then at the last minute, drop them for Bo Peep.

KG: She's a toy.

TREVOR: Then I'll become a toy. I don't want to miss taking a shot at that wagon she has back there.

_At that point, some guys walk towards KG, Rodney, and Trevor._

BOY #1: Are you guys sick in the head, or just losers?

BOY #2: Yeah, talking about cartoon characters because you can't get play in real life.

KG: The hell would you idiots know about sex?

BOY #1: I had it this summer. It was all that. The girl couldn't stop screaming.

RODNEY: Probably because she realized who she was sleeping with and it was too late to change her decision.

BOY #3: Bottom line is, we've all smashed, and you haven't.

KG: What if we did smash, and we just don't talk about it? Out of privacy for the girls we've smashed?

BOY #1: Your girlfriend's Denise, she probably made you wait six months to kiss her.

_Trevor begins laughing when KG and Rodney stare angrily at him._

TREVOR: I'm sorry, but that right there was a zinger.

BOY #1: You know what? When you guys actually find a girl to do it with, let us know.

_The boys laugh as they walk away._

RODNEY: You think they're right? That we're losers?

KG: No, of course not. We're 15, we don't have to have sex. We can wait a couple years, or longer than that. Hell, we can be 40 years old like Steve Carell and never have sex, and we'll still be cooler than them.

TREVOR: The first time I have sex, I just hope the girl's willing to hurt me.

_Beat._

TREVOR: What? If it ain't rough, it ain't right.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

_The kids are looking at the bulletin board and see a flier advertising Senior Picture Day, with the flier displaying the picture of a boy wearing his graduation gown for his picture._

SPARKY: It's that time of the year again. Picture day. You guys ready?

RK: You bet I am. I'm going to do something special since it's our last picture day in this school. I'm slicking my hair all the way back.

BUSTER: You're getting rid of the spike?

RK: It's only temporary. I just want to go for a more sophisticated look this year. Maybe I'll wear special contacts and chew on a toothpick.

WADE: You want the sophisticated look, not the Cuban drug dealer look.

JAYLYNN: I'm not taking my picture this year. I'll send them my Facebook profile pic and leave it at that.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, you know that's against the rules.

JAYLYNN: I don't care. Picture day is so stupid. Everyone's overdressed with the hair and the makeup just for something that will last less than a minute. A minute. You can pay your bills in less than a minute.

BUSTER: What bills?

JAYLYNN: I don't know, the cable bill? The point is, senior pictures aren't for me.

RK: Maybe you're insecure and your misplaced anger is due to your fears that you'll take a mediocre picture, so you're trying to avoid having anything to do with it because you don't want to end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy.

_Beat._

JAYLYNN: Leave me alone, Dr. Melfi.

SCENE 3

George Meyer High School

Interior Health Class

Seattle, Washington

_The kids are all talking when the health class teacher blows his whistle._

COACH PERKINS: See? It works in both classes. Good afternoon, kids. Now that you're in ninth grade, it's time for you to explore the wonderful things that you experience once your body hits its awkward stage. Man, I remember when I was 15, puberty was a monster. I was smelling every day, my arms were getting longer and I sounded like someone was choking me. Now, it's your turn to hate what you see in the mirror.

_Cut to KG, Rodney, and Trevor._

KG: This is why kids hate going to health class.

TREVOR: Well, it's true. We're teenagers, we're supposed to hate ourselves.

_KG and Rodney give Trevor confused looks._

COACH PERKINS: So, let's face it. You're ninth graders, you're curious about the human body. And this is usually the age where you become sexually active. But it's important to remember that you need to understand the delicate art of sex before you start having it.

_Coach Perkins begins playing a film on the class' projection screen. The screen reads: "When It Starts to Get Sexual: Understanding Intercourse," with a copyright date of 1985. A man in a suit and tie appears on the screen in front of an arcade while generic 1980s rock music plays in the background. _

PAUL: Hello there. My name is Paul, and I'm your new friend. If you're watching this, you're at the age when sex is all you can think about. You see it all around you, you start looking at your classmates differently, and you probably use a 900 number to order porn on pay-per-view.

TREVOR: This guy is so stupid. There are porn websites for free.

_KG and Rodney give Trevor bored looks. Cut back to the video._

PAUL: With all of the misinformation going on about sex, and HIV coming to kill us all the minute it turns into AIDS, it's hard to know what to believe. But in this video, you're going to see healthy ways to approach sex so you can become a well-adjusted adult. Brian?

_Cut to a similarly dressed man inside the arcade observing the teenagers playing games. Some time passes before he realizes he's on screen, which confuses the class._

BRIAN: Oh, f***, not again. Hello there. My name is Brian, but for the sake of this demonstration, consider me your sexually informed pal. Here we are at this familiar arcade in a most familiar city. Teens love to talk about sex and enjoy it, but how can you make sure it happens the right way?

_Cut to KG, Rodney, and Trevor. _

KG: Why do I feel like the FBI made this video?

_Cut back to Brian, now observing a young couple eating pizza at a nearby table. The boy is wearing a Chicago Cubs baseball cap to the side, while the girl is wearing a promotional T-shirt for the movie "Sixteen Candles."_

BRIAN: Take these two, Lisa and Sam. Sam loves the Chicago Cubs, and Lisa enjoys John Hughes movies. These two are a match made in heaven. They're sharing a pizza, they're laughing about that joke from that _Who's the Boss? _episode last night, and everything's going great. But then, something happens. Their hormones go into overdrive. There's powerful, demonic energy at work here. Suddenly, before they know it, they're ready to have sexual intercourse, or, as some urban communities put it, start "knocking the boots."

COACH PERKINS: Just so you know, it gets creepier so I'll skip over some stuff.

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_After school, KG and Denise are watching TV._

DENISE: Wait, so that video had an actual demonstration of sex?

KG: Well, Coach Perkins skipped over most of it because the girl kept saying, "HELP ME! HELP ME! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME DEAD IF YOU DON'T STOP!"

DENISE: Who made that video?!

KG: I don't know, but this is one of the few states they haven't banned it in.

DENISE: See, this is why sex is weird to think about. It's like nobody explains it in a way that makes sense.

KG: I know, right? I mean, what if we had sex? Where do we go so we can do it right?

DENISE: The internet? The local health clinic?

KG: Yeah, but like, anybody can go to those places. I mean, the _places _places that really let you know, you know what I'm saying?

DENISE: No, I really don't.

KG: Look, Denise, we're in high school now. Okay? Everything's changing. And it's getting to be about that time where...you know, we should talk about it.

DENISE: Really?

KG: Yeah, why not? We've been together for almost two years, we love each other, we're both healthy and attractive. It's something worth discussing.

DENISE: Well, I don't know if I'm ready to have sex. I don't even feel like talking about it, it...it's kinda gross, honestly.

KG: So we can't even talk about sex because it's "kinda gross?" People using the bathroom is "kinda gross" but they talk about that all the time.

DENISE: Look, let's just move on, okay? Talk about something else?

KG: Fine. That's fine, we can talk about other fine things.

_Beat._

KG: So, who would you rather screw? Anna or Elsa?

DENISE: What?

KG: Hey, you're the one who wanted to move on!

SCENE 5

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_That same afternoon, Anja opens the door to reveal Jaylynn._

ANJA: Hey Jaylynn, what's going on?

JAYLYNN: Nothing much. We've got senior pictures coming up.

ANJA: Oh, I know. I'm stressing out over that, I have to make sure I look good.

JAYLYNN: Really? I didn't think you would care about stuff like that.

ANJA: Usually, I wouldn't, but this is going to be in the yearbook, man. That lasts forever.

JAYLYNN: Ugh, you people are all crazy. RK was trying to come up with this psychiatric bullshit about why I don't want to do picture day, but I'm not worried about it. He doesn't know better.

ANJA: Wait, you're not taking your yearbook picture?

JAYLYNN: Why would I? It's just some lame tradition. And I don't do lame traditions. I'm Jaylynn Hernandez, kid. I'm that girl. I'm like that boxer in the ring taking shots. They keep swinging at me and trying to knock me out, but they don't have the combinations. They don't have the answers to get the TKO, that's why I am what I am.

_Beat._

ANJA: Are you going to tell me what you've been smoking?

JAYLYNN: Ugh, I can't do this. RK's right, Anj. I can't take another wack school picture. It happens every year.

ANJA: Come on, it can't be that bad.

JAYLYNN: Oh, really?

_Jaylynn pulls out her wallet and takes out a picture of herself to show Anja._

ANJA: What's that?

JAYLYNN: Me on picture day last year. I didn't want to smile, but I let the cameraman talk me into it. What the f*** am I showing all that teeth for? It's picture day, not a Crest commercial.

ANJA: Okay, that picture's not your best, but that doesn't mean...

_Jaylynn pulls out another picture to show Anja._

JAYLYNN: You were saying?

ANJA: What the heck happened to your face?

JAYLYNN: For my third grade picture, I thought I was ready to wear makeup. But then I had an allergic reaction to the makeup so that was the last thing I did before I got rushed to the hospital. Then when they gave me the shot, I had an allergic reaction to that so I was quarantined for the night.

ANJA: Alright, this is pretty bad, but...

JAYLYNN: Let me stop you there.

_Jaylynn pulls out yet another picture to show Anja. The picture shows an overweight Jaylynn with braces, a boyish haircut, and a private school uniform. This causes Anja to laugh while Jaylynn looks disgusted. _

ANJA: What were you trying to do here?!

JAYLYNN: I don't really feel like talking about second grade.

ANJA: I guess you were right about picture day. But you can't let that stop you.

JAYLYNN: Why not? Because it's about making memories or some other shit?

ANJA: No, because you're not the same person you used to be. You can take a better picture now that you know what the problem is. And I can help you.

JAYLYNN: Really? But you have your own picture to think about.

ANJA: Jaylynn, I only have one expression on camera. Believe me, I have time.

JAYLYNN: Thanks, dude, I owe you one.

ANJA: Just one thing. I thought when you were in Portland, you were some super badass from the streets. Why did you look like a dork in the second grade?

JAYLYNN: That's one of the reasons I _became _a badass. I was overcompensating.

SCENE 6

George Meyer High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

_KG is talking to Rodney and Trevor the next day._

RODNEY: Wait, she doesn't want to have sex with you?

KG: She doesn't even want to talk about having sex. This is bullshit, I'm going to be just like that dude from _The Last American Virgin_.

_Beat._

KG: You know, that really old movie about some idiot that goes through hell for a girl that doesn't like him, and when the movie ends, he's crying like a little bitch?

RODNEY: Oh, right. That movie almost made me throw up.

TREVOR: See, this is why prostitution needs to be legalized. So teenagers like us can just pay for sex with no consequences.

RODNEY: Do you understand that when you talk, my brain cells are slowly being killed off?

TREVOR: Rodney, pay attention. Sex is a need, and that need is satisfied through illegal transactions like hooking and streetwalking. But what are people like KG gonna do if they don't want to go to jail? Do it themselves? Because I've tried that, Rodney, it doesn't f***ing work!

KG: I'm gonna be honest, a prostitute is my best option right now.

RODNEY: Don't listen to him, KG. Denise is a smart girl. If she doesn't want to have sex, there has to be a good reason.

KG: Like what?

RODNEY: I don't know. She's not ready, she has some traumatic backstory we don't know about. Or maybe she's worried your area smells like cheap beer and fish and chips.

KG: I don't have a smell!

RODNEY: Never said you did, you just have to think of it as a reason.

TREVOR: Maybe you could convince Denise that sex is a good idea. A friend of mine is able to get any woman to go to bed with him just by putting his gun on the nightstand. They go with it every time.

RODNEY: Trevor, your friend's in jail for that exact same reason.

TREVOR: KG doesn't have to start with that, he can work his way up to it.

KG: Alright, Trev, you're one for two today, but I know what you mean. I just have to make Denise see that we're ready to have sex. Once I do, she'll be in my arms, and I'll be the new king of the ninth graders.

RODNEY: Maybe it's time for me to think about having sex with Beth.

KG: You think she'll be interested?

RODNEY: No, just forget it, I'm not swiping my V-card until college.

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

_Jaylynn is putting books in her locker when her phone begins ringing. She lets it ring for a while, sighs, then picks up._

JAYLYNN: Anja?

_Cut to Anja in the hallway of her school._

ANJA: Yeah, it's me. You know what's weird? Usually, you pick up in less than three rings, but this time, I counted at least six rings. It's crazy.

_Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: You have way too much time on your hands. What are you doing calling me? I'm at school.

_Cut back to Anja._

ANJA: I know you're at school. I wanted to talk about how to help you for picture day. I have some ideas.

_Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: Okay, like what?

_Cut back to Anja._

ANJA: The element of surprise. Like this phone call. You weren't expecting it. Usually, whenever I call, you sound like you're reading a script.

_Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: I'm just trying to impress you! And what does that have to do with taking pictures?

_Cut back to Anja._

ANJA: Well, this time when I called, you were more natural and loose. You need that feeling when you're taking your yearbook picture. Try posing right now.

_Cut back to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: But you can't see it.

ANJA _(V.O.)_: Do I need to see it for you to do it? No, I don't think so.

JAYLYNN: Alright, fine. You little pushy ass...

ANJA _(V.O.)_: What was that? You have something to say?

JAYLYNN: Nah, B, I ain't got nothing.

_Jaylynn tries striking various poses while holding the phone to her ear._

ANJA _(V.O.)_: Are you doing it?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and I look like a dumbass.

ANJA _(V.O.)_: See? It's too rehearsed, and that's not what you want for the picture. We'll work on that after school.

JAYLYNN: Alright. Let me put you on hold for a minute.

_Jaylynn puts Anja on "Hold," then puts her phone in her pocket. She does a few more poses, and RK is shown walking towards her._

RK: Nope.

_RK immediately walks away upon seeing Jaylynn's poses._

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_KG and Denise are watching TV that afternoon. _

DENISE: Ugh, why am I here when I have all this homework?

KG: Because I'm the most amazing man that ever lived?

DENISE: You're the most amazing man in this room.

KG: I knew I was. Hey, wait a minute, what's that over there?

DENISE: Where, by the door?

KG: Yeah, check it out.

_Denise looks at the front door while KG drops a condom on the coffee table. Denise looks back at the TV._

DENISE: I didn't see anything. You're crazy, man.

KG: I don't know, I just think...hello, what's this?

_KG picks up the condom._

DENISE: Why do you have a condom?

KG: Well, see, what had happened was that I found the condom on the coffee table and grabbed it upon seeing it. Therefore, I have a condom.

DENISE: You know what I'm talking about.

KG: Nope, not really. But if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to accuse me of owning this condom.

DENISE: Because you do own it!

KG: Denise, there are two boys that live in this house. It couldn't be RK's?

DENISE: Your brother is ten.

KG: Hey, RK's very mature for his age. And you know how bad peer pressure can be. I bet Buster's gotten into his head.

DENISE: Okay, I already said I don't want to talk about sex, and now, you're over here tossing prophylactics around? It's not happening!

_Denise takes her backpack and leaves the house._

KG: Okay, not my best idea. I need to figure out how to make Denise interested without being so blatant with it. I need to think sneakier, I need to think craftier, I need to think...of course, I know who to talk to!

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

_That night, RK and KG are splitting a box of Fernando's Pizza at the kitchen table._

KG: So I feel like Denise and I are ready to have sex, but she doesn't even want to talk about it. I just feel like she should give it a chance and she'll see how great it can be.

RK: I'm sorry, why are we talking about this during dinner?

KG: Because I need you to help me with a plan. You always have these signature moments and I think it's about time I get one of them.

RK: Yeah, but using it to make sure my brother gets laid? Where's the benefit for me?

KG: Your benefit is you get a really happy brother. Now, make with the planning.

RK: Look, this is out of my area of expertise. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to be subliminal.

KG: Subliminal?

RK: Wait, that's it! I've been mastering that for years, this _is _in my area of expertise! You know what your problem is, KG?

KG: I'm 15 years old and I have no idea what my girlfriend's body looks like?

RK: Your problem is that you're too obvious. People can tell what you want from a mile away. You have too much need when you should be playing it cool.

KG: And how do I do that?

RK: You make Denise think that sex is never going to happen. She already doesn't want it, so you have to join her side. But what you're really doing is messing with her psychologically. The more you talk about how awful sex is, the more she'll start feeling like she needs to have it, and you've got her right where you want her.

KG: But if she already doesn't care about sex, I'm not going to change her mind by agreeing with her.

RK: That's what you think. If Denise thinks you'll never want to have sex, eventually, she'll start thinking she's the problem. Then she'll realize that you guys need to talk about it, because it will be like you're messing with her ego.

KG: I don't know, man. Maybe I should just forget about the whole thing and see if I can get a prostitute on the low.

RK: What?

KG: It made way more sense when Trevor said it.

RK: If something makes more sense when Trevor says it, you sure as hell shouldn't be saying it.

SCENE 10

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

_Jaylynn gets out of her car when she reaches school. She then notices there is some dirt on her jeans._

JAYLYNN: Shit, where's the lint roller when you need one?

_Jaylynn tries wiping the dirt off her jeans when Anja runs up to her and snaps a picture of Jaylynn on her smartphone. The flash from the camera causes Jaylynn to scream and cover her eyes._

ANJA: Surprised?

JAYLYNN: Anja, what the f***?! This isn't TMZ, bro!

ANJA: Believe me, I know what I'm doing. When you're getting your picture taken, you have to expect the unexpected.

JAYLYNN: I'll be sitting in front of a backdrop showing palm trees from Hawaii. The only thing to expect is some middle-aged white guy counting down from three and telling me to say f***ing cheese.

ANJA: Yeah, but you have to know when it's coming without being told. What if the guy doesn't count down? What if he gives a signal, like bunny ears?

JAYLYNN: Why would he give a bunny ears signal when it's time to take the picture?

ANJA: Because it's unexpected! My cameraman did the same thing last year, a lot of kids were confused.

JAYLYNN: Anja, I appreciate you taking this seriously, but you don't have to run up on me like a stalker when I'm going to school. If you were anyone else, I would have smacked that camera out of your hand.

ANJA: I'm sorry, okay? I just want you to be ready for picture day.

JAYLYNN: And I will be if you can think of better ways to help me. At least I got that dirt off my jeans.

ANJA: You gotta get...that...dirt off your jeans.

_Beat._

ANJA: Didn't Tupac make that song before he died? "Dirt Off Your Jeans?"

JAYLYNN: You make it almost impossible for me to want to hurt you.

SCENE 11

George Meyer High School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

_That same day, Denise is at her locker when KG walks up to her._

KG: Hey.

DENISE: What do you think about this locker?

KG: I don't know. Sturdy, nice color, doesn't look more than a few years old?

DENISE: No, I mean, do you think it can fit multiple people inside?

KG: I don't get it. Is this some kind of serial killer shit you're asking me?

DENISE: I'm serious. You might want to have sex in here, right? Or maybe somewhere comfortable like the boiler room or the cafeteria in front of everybody? Just want to help you with your fantasies.

KG: Whatever you're doing is not cute and it almost sounds like you want it more than I do.

DENISE: I'm just saying, sex seems really important to you for some reason. Why not do it right?

KG: Stop, this conversation is misleading as hell! Look, Denise, I'm sorry for what happened with the condom, okay? I guess I just didn't realize how much you didn't want to have sex.

DENISE: Well, yeah, it's just...it's icky.

KG: Icky? I'm trying to be supportive here, but could you use a word that lets people know you can read?

DENISE: It's just not something I'm ready to deal with now. I hope you understand.

KG: Of course, I do. Sex is overrated anyway. You go in there, you're thrusting for two minutes, and by the end of the night, you need six bottles of Gatorade just to get your strength back.

DENISE: KG, where's all this coming from?

KG: I was just doing some research last night about sex. Honestly, I don't think we should be doing it.

DENISE: I know. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

KG: Denise, stop it. I know you're thinking that this could happen, but sex at our age is just...barbaric and catastrophic. Broken condoms, two idiots like us having a baby before we take our PSATs, and I'm in debt for the next eighteen years.

DENISE: No one said we had to have a baby. Safe sex is a thing.

KG: Oh, please, everybody likes to talk about what they're gonna do before they do it. Then when the big night comes, you realize your girl's nether regions smell like sour cream dip without nachos, and you end up on Valtrex for the rest of your life.

DENISE: That's more of an extreme version, but...

KG: Denise, Denise, Denise. It's okay. Sex is out of the question from now until the day we break up. If you want, you can come over to my place tonight and we'll never have to talk about getting it in ever again.

DENISE: Alright, cool. See you tonight?

KG: You damn sure will. I knew you could handle it. Later.

_KG kisses Denise on the cheek and leaves for class._

DENISE: What the f*** just happened?

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_That night, with the lights turned down, KG and Denise are watching TV together._

DENISE: This is nice. I feel like things have been kinda awkward lately.

KG: Probably, but tonight is a different story. It's gonna be real smooth, like...like velvet.

DENISE: Hey, where's your brother?

KG: Oh, I told him about tonight and he didn't want to stick around, so he's with his friends. Real stand up guy.

_Cut to the five kids at Sparky's house on the couch. RK looks bored and annoyed while everyone else is confused._

SPARKY: RK, are you sure you don't want to go home? It feels weird recapping tonight.

RK: Sparko, I can't go back there for hours.

SPARKY: Why not?

RK: Because KG's trying to get laid and if he gets laid, my living room's going to smell like sweat, anxiety, and moldy loganberries. By the way, you're out of Gushers.

_Beat. Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn look shocked while Buster rubs his chin._

BUSTER: You know what? Your brother deserves this, I'm rooting for him.

_Cut back to KG and Denise._

KG: Why don't I put on some music?

DENISE: Sure.

_KG slides over to the radio and turns it on, and it ends up playing "Very Special" by K. Michelle loudly. KG looks embarrassed while Denise raises her eyebrow, and he changes the station. It plays "F*** You" by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg and Devin the Dude. Now annoyed, KG turns to another station and it plays "Sexy Dirty Love" by Demi Lovato._

KG: ARE ALL THESE SONGS ABOUT SEX?!

_KG unplugs the radio and sits back down._

KG: I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting my radio to be so damn inappropriate.

DENISE: It's okay.

KG: But you know what? I'm glad we see eye to eye now. Sex is off the table from now until the end of time.

DENISE: Hey, I never said that sex is something we could never, ever have.

KG: That's not the way I remember it. But Denise, I get it. Teenagers feel like they need to have sex because it's what you do. But us? We're different. We know that we're not ready. We're slow, we don't have the moves down, we don't smell all too well.

DENISE: I smell great, what are you talking about?

KG: Neither of us know that, though. It could smell like Red Lobster down there and I'll be better off not finding out.

DENISE: Okay.

KG: Or like, Olive Garden. You know how salty their food is. But you know, I don't think it's good for my breath to smell like capocollo and pasta primavera.

DENISE: Alright, that's it!

KG: You know what? I take it back, we should go to Olive Garden.

DENISE: KG, are you trying to make me feel bad about not having sex with you so I'd want to have it?!

KG: That's not the way I'd put it.

DENISE: How would you put it?!

KG: In a slightly less f**ed up way.

DENISE: I'm outta here.

KG: Denise, stay. We're in high school surrounded by everyone else having sex. You really don't want to know what it feels like?

DENISE: No, and I thought you respected that!

_Denise slams the door shut._

KG: I can't respect what I don't know! _KG sighs. _Well, looks like I need to go to Plan B.

_KG looks at his hands, nods with his cheeks puffed out, and walks upstairs while the instrumental to "Let It Roll" plays briefly in the background._

SCENE 13

George Meyer High School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

_KG is eating lunch with Rodney and Trevor._

TREVOR: Okay, so this one almost killed me. Camila Cabello or Billie Eilish?

RODNEY: What? I don't know, neither of them are "sexy" to me. But I guess, Camila?

TREVOR: I see your point. But I think Billie has something to offer. She probably knows where you can get the best high-end drugs if that's what you like.

KG: Ugh, can we please stop talking about sex? Whatever happened to judging someone based on what's in their brain?!

RODNEY: You couldn't make it happen with Denise, huh?

KG: That's an understatement. I went too far with her.

TREVOR: Wait, what? You son of a bitch, did you rape her?!

KG: No, I didn't do...

_Trevor smacks KG in the face._

TREVOR: What kind of sicko are you taking advantage of your own girlfriend?! Did you learn nothing from _Saturday Night Fever_?!

KG: Normally, I would beat your ass for what you just did, but I don't have enough energy today.

RODNEY: KG, what really happened with you and Denise?

KG: Well, RK told me that if I make it seem like I didn't want to have sex, Denise would change her mind about it. But it didn't work out, and now, she won't even speak to me.

TREVOR: Maybe you two just don't belong together. I mean, you're horny and she's not. It could never work out.

RODNEY: I think what Trevor's trying to say is...

TREVOR: No. Don't do that, I know what I'm trying to say. Don't try and clean up my words to make them sound pretty. Say what you heard me say, don't give him the radio version.

RODNEY: What I'm saying is, you need to talk to Denise.

KG: How? I keep trying and trying, but it's like I'm doing everything wrong.

RODNEY: Then try harder. Obviously, Denise is hiding something, she just doesn't want to tell you. Does she have any friends you can talk to?

KG: Yeah. You two knuckleheads.

RODNEY: Right, she doesn't like talking to girls.

TREVOR: What about her sexy-ass sister? I bet she knows what Denise's problem is.

KG: Of course, I could talk to Danielle. She's mature, she knows about sex. She can give me all the help I need.

TREVOR: And you know what else you can do? To get back at Denise, you can sleep with her sister.

KG: Are you insane?

TREVOR: Look, as long as she's interested, you have nothing to worry about. Just make sure you eat some peanut butter and jelly so you can last longer.

SCENE 14

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_At night, Jaylynn is once again posing for pictures when Sparky walks in._

SPARKY: You know what? I have a thing, I can just...

JAYLYNN: No, you're not interrupting. Picture day is tomorrow so I have to make sure I'm set.

SPARKY: So, Anja's been teaching you well?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. She told me about the three-quarter rule. You have to have at least 75% of your body facing the camera at all times. If you don't, the photographer won't see you, and they won't hear you.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, that rule is for actors.

JAYLYNN: Well, taking a picture is like acting. You have to act like you have something good going on in your life so you can smile.

SPARKY: Okay, this is exactly why I came here. Whatever Anja's trying to teach you, it's wrong. Just sit in front of the camera and have a natural pose. That's it.

JAYLYNN: Easy for you to say. You always take great pictures. I just want one that doesn't make me look like an embarrassment.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, it's the same thing as taking a picture on Facebook or Instagram. If you can do that, you can do this.

JAYLYNN: Sparky, this is what I look like when I upload a picture to those websites.

_Jaylynn gives Sparky a neutral, stoic expression._

SPARKY: Um...

JAYLYNN: I know, go ahead and say it. No, wait, I'll save you the trouble. People usually call it "resting bitch face."

SPARKY: No, I was going to say, I don't see what the problem is. Picture day isn't about wearing the best clothes or having an award-winning smile. As long as you don't look like you did in second grade, nobody's gonna care.

JAYLYNN: You really think so?

SPARKY: Of course. You're pretty, Jaylynn. You know how to take a good picture more than you think.

JAYLYNN: Pffft, I mean, I'm not that pretty. You know, you wouldn't catch me at a fashion show or nothing, but shit, when I want to, you know what I mean?

_Beat._

SPARKY: Yeah, I know what you mean. So, you're ready to take your picture?

JAYLYNN: I guess so. Thanks Sparky.

SPARKY: No problem. Seriously, what _did_ happen in second grade?

JAYLYNN: I had a lot of problems, that's all I can say.

SCENE 15

The Fletcher Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_Denise is doing her homework when her phone rings. She checks it and picks up._

DENISE: Hey Dani, what's up?

_Cut to Danielle in her bedroom._

DANIELLE: Don't nickname me. Can you explain to me why your boyfriend is calling me about you not wanting to have sex with him?

_Cut back to Denise._

DENISE: He talked to you?!

_Cut back to Danielle._

DANIELLE: Yeah, he gave a lot of details. Bottom line, he doesn't know what your problem is, so you need to tell him.

_Cut back to Denise._

DENISE: I already told him I don't want to talk about sex.

DANIELLE _(V.O.)_: Yeah, that worked for like, what, five minutes? Denise, you're dealing with a teenage boy. The only thing that's on his mind is panties. Hell, half the boys I go to school with still think like that.

DENISE: Well, what am I supposed to do? Just have sex?

_Cut back to Danielle._

DANIELLE: No, just talk to him about it. Whether you like it or not, you're in high school now. There's going to be a lot of weird shit and temptations to deal with. You can't just be in a relationship and think you're never gonna deal with this.

_Cut back to Denise._

DENISE: I get it, but I just don't know how to say it. What if he thinks it's stupid?

DANIELLE _(V.O.)_: He won't if he really cares about you. And if he doesn't, get rid of him. But you're old enough to at least talk about it.

DENISE: Alright, I'll talk to him. For real this time. Thanks for looking out.

DANIELLE _(V.O.)_: You're welcome.

DENISE: So "Dani" seriously doesn't work for you?

DANIELLE _(V.O.)_: No. It worked for me when I was 13, I'm grown now.

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium

Seattle, Washington

_On picture day, the fifth graders are seated near the front as they all wait for their opportunity to get their photos taken. Cut to the guys sitting in the front row. RK has on sunglasses, slicked-back hair, and is chewing on a lollipop._

BUSTER: You didn't wear the toothpick?

RK: No, I was afraid I would choke on it. Plus, I was in the mood for candy when I woke up this morning.

WADE: But you still have potential to choke on...you know what, Wade? Forget it. It's his choice, not yours.

SPARKY: So, Jaylynn, how nervous are you right now?

JAYLYNN: Not as much as I thought I would be. Your advice really helped. It's just sitting in front of a camera, doing what I always do. In fact, thanks to Facebook and Instagram, literally every day is picture day.

SPARKY: That's a great way to look at it. You should sell that to them as a slogan.

JAYLYNN: No way. I'm not giving them a free ad campaign while I don't see any money from it. F*** that.

RK: See, _that's _a great way to look at it.

CAMERAMAN: Alright, next up, we have, um...let's see here, Jaylynn Sklor Hanerndanz?

_All the kids begin laughing._

JAYLYNN: It's Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez!

CAMERAMAN: Is it? Oh yeah, my handwriting sucks. Sorry, come and take your picture.

_Jaylynn sucks her teeth, shakes her head, and mumbles to herself as she walks to the photo area. She sits on the stool and her eyes widen._

JAYLYNN: Oh no, them butchering my name? _*gasps* _It's _still _like second grade!

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_After school, KG is playing video games when Denise walks in._

DENISE: KG, we need to talk.

KG: Wait, hang on. Can we do this in an hour? I'm in the middle of a legendary comeback.

DENISE: Dude, the other team's beating you by more than 25 points.

KG: The fourth quarter just started. If Tom Brady could do it, why can't I?

DENISE: You don't want me answering that question. Could you just pause the game?

_KG pauses the game._

DENISE: Look, I don't like what's going on between us, and we have to take care of it before it gets worse.

KG: Well, the way I see things is that you don't want to have sex, you don't want to talk about sex, and you won't even tell me why you don't want to have sex, so I'm just lost right now trying to recap all of these events.

DENISE: KG, you're an amazing guy. You're the first guy I've ever trusted this much, and I think we're in a good place right now in our relationship.

KG: But...

DENISE: But the reason I'm not ready to have sex is because I'm afraid of what might happen to us.

KG: What might happen? Denise, I have the address, we can get tested at the clinic right now.

DENISE: No, it's not about STDs.

KG: Oh. Then what's it about?

DENISE: If we have sex, whether it's good or bad, what happens after that? You got what you wanted, you lost your virginity. Then you get bored because you'll want to have sex with other girls, and you decide it's not working out. After that, I'm all alone.

KG: You're serious? You really think we're dating just so I can score with you?

DENISE: No, that's just what I'm afraid of. I've read stories about guys doing that before. I know Danielle's had that happen to her. I just don't want that to happen to me. I would rather pretend there's no such thing as sex than even think about that happening.

KG: Denise, I would never do that to you. You're not just some stupid girl I met yesterday at KFC or something. I've known you since the sixth grade. Just because we have sex, it doesn't mean I'm going to kick you to the curb.

DENISE: But how do you know that for sure?

KG: Because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you like that. I'm not that kind of guy, and I don't want to be.

DENISE: Okay. I believe you. But can I ask you something?

KG: Sure, anything.

DENISE: What made you interested in sex anyway?

KG: I don't know, it could be anything. You know, when it gets cold out, that means it's time for cuffing season, and when you break that down to a science...

DENISE: KG.

KG: Alright, I guess it was because some guys in my gym class were giving me a hard time about it. And then there was that whole psycho video in health class. I just felt like now that we're in high school, it's time for us to have sex.

DENISE: But do you really think that right now is the time?

KG: I don't think so. But I didn't want to go through the rest of high school without doing it, and then I'm some freak or loser. It's just different for guys, Denise.

DENISE: I get it. There's a lot of pressure to do it even if you don't want to. But we don't need to do it if we're not feeling it. When the time comes, we'll know, and we won't have to rush into anything.

KG: You're right. I guess we can wait.

DENISE: And just because we're not having sex, doesn't mean we can't still have fun.

KG: What do you mean?

_Denise begins kissing KG._

KG: Oh yeah, that's always fun.

_At that point, KG and Denise start making out, and RK walks in at the same time. From his point of view, it looks like KG and Denise are about to have sex._

RK: Oh no, it's gonna start smelling like loganberries in a minute. I WAS NEVER HERE!

_KG and Denise look up and see RK running away from the house._

KG: The f*** did he just say?

_Cut to black._

_("Show Me" by Big Time Rush plays over the end credits)_

_EPILOGUE_

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_Around the same time, Jaylynn walks into Anja's house while Anja is on her phone._

ANJA: What's up, Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: Afternoon, Anj. Beautiful day, isn't it?

ANJA: Let me guess. You killed your yearbook picture, didn't you?

JAYLYNN: Honey, I slayed it. But I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed in you.

ANJA: Why?

JAYLYNN: All your crazy advice. Sneaking up on me at school, the three-quarter rule. You know that's what actors use, right?

ANJA: I had no idea.

JAYLYNN: See? I thought you would know that. But Sparky told me that I shouldn't stress over it. It's just a picture. So I calmed down, took the picture, and that was that.

ANJA: So you learned that picture day wasn't anywhere near as big a deal as you were making it?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. No thanks to you.

ANJA: Actually, it was all thanks to me.

JAYLYNN: How? I just broke it down, child.

ANJA: I already knew picture day didn't matter that much, but you didn't. Everything I was doing was just to get you to break down and realize it was all in your head. So at the end of the day, I helped you out.

JAYLYNN: Okay, but Sparky was the one who reassured me. He was the one that made me realize it, not you.

ANJA: Sure, but it was my advice that got Sparky to talk to you, make you realize the advice was bogus, and get you to just take the picture.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but you didn't plan on Sparky talking to me. That was completely out of your control. I think you know you dropped the ball here, and you're trying to latch on to what Sparky did because in your mind, you can claim it as a win.

_Beat._

ANJA: You're grounded.

JAYLYNN: What?

ANJA: I don't know. _*turns to face the camera*_ See you again in two days, America.

_Cut to black._

©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. Body Language Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 12/21/19-12/22/19)_

-I came up with the idea for this episode earlier this year. At the time, I thought it was interesting enough and it was the kind of episode that was perfect for season eight. KG and Denise could have potentially talked about sex when they were in junior high, but it becomes a lot more important to talk about now that they are in high school. At first, I thought the subject matter wasn't right for the show and the episode would have an unusual tone, but it ended up being just another episode.

-For a while, I hadn't made up my mind on whether or not KG and Denise would have sex. On one hand, I felt like it was too obvious for them to not have it, but on the other hand, I knew they had to be in the right place for it to happen. It would have been unrealistic for them to have sex after never bringing it up before, and the desire for sex was one-sided on KG's end, so getting the episode to the point where they decide to have it wasn't going to work. It became pretty apparent when I started writing the episode that KG and Denise weren't going to do anything, so then the writing changed to them not being able to communicate their feelings well enough.

-I also knew that I didn't want KG to be aggressive in his pursuit of having sex. I knew how it would come off if he tried making a move on Denise without her consent, so he was trying to get his way from more of a mental standpoint. However, he was so ineffective in his scheming, it becomes funny because you know he's never actually going to seal the deal. I did consider Denise not wanting to speak to KG because he acted inappropriately, but I just went in another direction.

-The subplot was just me wanting something lighter to contrast what was happening in the main plot. I also didn't want another KG-centric episode this season that he dominated while the kids were barely seen, so at least this way, a few of them had something to do. I was actually going to have Anja make Jaylynn do a lot of weird things to help her take a picture as part of her plan, but then I decided that her plan was just badly executed and the endgame of the plan was achieved by someone else (Sparky).

-This episode was originally scheduled for December 1, but because of procrastination, I decided to push all the December episodes back one week. However, I was still procrastinating with this one, so it got pushed back to Friday the 13th.

-I got the title for this episode from an episode of _Moesha _that had very similar subject matter. I was planning to change it at some point because that was the title I had when I came up with the idea, but it stuck with me and I couldn't think of anything better.

-While getting ready for gym class, Trevor considers having sex with the character Bo Peep from the _Toy Story _franchise.

-KG references the 2005 film _The 40-Year-Old Virgin_, which starred Steve Carell.

-Jaylynn refers to RK as "Dr. Melfi." Dr. Jennifer Melfi was Tony Soprano's psychiatrist on the HBO crime drama _The Sopranos _(1999-2007).

-I wanted the video in health class to be as cheesy, awkward, and disturbing as possible. I wanted something that meant well and was trying to be informative, but had no idea how stupid and inappropriate it was. It was meant to be similar to old anti-drug PSAs or those Boy Scout videos about child molestation.

-When talking to Rodney and Trevor, KG references the plot of the 1982 film _The Last American Virgin_.

-Anja indirectly references the Jay-Z song "Dirt Off Your Shoulder," which she incorrectly credits to Tupac Shakur and messes up the title of.

-When KG turns on the radio, he was originally going to turn it off after hearing "Very Special," but I decided to extend the joke.

-Trevor references two scenes from the 1977 film _Saturday Night Fever_: One where Tony tries to rape Stephanie, and later on where Annette is raped by Tony's friend Double J after having sex with Joey, another one of his friends.

-Danielle was originally not supposed to be in the episode, and she was actually a last-minute addition. I was close to writing a scene where KG talked to Danielle on the phone, but I decided not to.

-KG references Super Bowl LI, where the New England Patriots came back from a 25-point deficit to beat the Atlanta Falcons 34-28 in overtime. It was the largest comeback in the history of the Super Bowl.


End file.
